My story.
Hi, My name is Ali Esteem, I’ve always been following and reading this blog but yet to have submit anything of my my on so I thought it was about time to share my story of building my broken self-esteem.
I was bullied from the very day I was born. I am not joking I could reflect back to days as a 4 year old and cry because people thought I was “black and ugly” In elementary I was always called fat even by some family members and I had it embedded in my head at such a young age that I absolutely can not be loved because girls like me are un-wantable. It did not in stop in fact it got worse and once I reached middle school everyday became the worst day of my life. “Popular” girls treated me lower than dirt, I would be pushed, spit on, hit and insulted about my very full lips and thick hair. It got so bad I became suicidal, I didn’t see any significance in being alive. No one cared about me so what was the point. My mother came up to the schools more than a dozen times but it would not stop. I was being mentally beaten it was like I was living in my own Mean Girls except this wasn’t funny, it was real life. I had enough and was the deepest in depression I have ever been. I would honestly be full of fear do go to school, I developed a huge anxiety disorder that made it impossible to be social and I told myself If I kept myself in this mindset I was going to die.
High school came, I had higher hopes that my life would change and I would be away from the very kids that tormented me. I was wrong. Lot of them was attending my high school, there was no escape and this is when I debated on keeping my life that night I found out they were still going to bully me. I didn’t do it.
My mother always told me something since I was a toddler “Refuse to be defeated” refuse to let people hurt you, refuse to let people steal your joy and your worth, fight for yourself to have a good life when you know you deserve.
High school started just as I thought. I was bullied. Teachers would remove kids from the class I would be laughed at even at upperclassmen but something in my mind told me to hold on.
Sophomore year I decided to be involved in my school and not be afraid. I joined my school’s community service club which a lot of kids thought were for goodie two shoes but it was one of the best decisions I had ever made. These people were good to me and for the first time I was comfortable with others. The group organized community service for people in need, soup kitchens, food pantries, walks for Breast Cancer and Brain Tumors. I realized that there were humans that had it worst than me and even if I did feel my life was awful I still was very blessed.
Junior year went quick and Senior year even quicker. I was involved in Galas in NYC, meeting successful people, dating, getting into my love of writing, creating poetry and making friends out of nowhere it seemed my life was finally in place. In my last days of Senior Year I was getting ready for prom. I was content that everything was going to be nothing short of amazing. My fourteen … yes fourteen friends and I were riding in a HUGE limo, my date was my crush and I had two gorgeous dressed to wear throughout the night. Then, I was reminded of my old life.
My old friends and I got into a huge fight, one you see on TV. Everyone came against me, it was as if my whole hig school life was a lie and all these people I came close with completely stabbed me in the back. People were tipsy acting a fool, arguing it was a hot mess. That week statuses was made about each other insulting each other like we hadn’t been friends for 3 years.
I had been through this before and all that middle school horror taught me how to remove myself from negative people like that. I deleted most of my high school friends on Facebook and just moved on because that’s what you have to do sometimes in life … brush off and move on.
This is when I decided to make my drastic change. With my physical and mental. I was taught that I was brown and ugly with nappy hair, my mother always encouraged me to believe I was beautiful and finally I accepted it. I went completely natural. Separating myself from long weave that wasn’t me. I changed my clothes from tight to more African and Bohemian. I read up on spirituality and eating healthy. I spent less times with friends nonstop and more focusing on me and I practically lived in bookstores and libraries just reading and growing.
My prom was only 2 months ago but it feels like years. There are times that I forget what happened that night or even what happened in middle school. I am so involved in discovering me and who I am, I do not even care what people think of me. I am getting the right attention now. Surrounding myself with the right people in my life who always introduce me to beautiful music and art and always tell me “You are beautiful” when I need it. I am starting college and already meeting amazing people. This is what I wanted and this is what I deserve. I change my middle name to Esteem in advice from my mother. It shows the journey I have came from and how much I love myself and adore my brown skin and thick curly hair now. Esteem is in my name now to show bullies they could not win.
This is what I deserved. I have came such a long way from that beat up little girl who hated herself and life. I love life. I love the people around me and if anything the past taught me how to deal with negative people and protect myself.
So I actually say thank you to every single kid, adult who has ever tried to break me down because you honestly made me stronger than I could have fathom.
One day I am writing a book on all of this and hopeful girls of any color, size, culture can know that It will get better and everything will be okay in the end and if it’s not okay then it’s not the end.
If any of the girls want to reach me anytime they can go to
http://luvyourselfsomeesteem.tumblr.com/
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