Anonymous asked: I'm having a hard time trying to learn about and participate in feminism without being triggered. It's important to me and I want to do something positive with it, but sometimes the topics are just too triggering for me.

It’s important to be involved in causes you give a shit about, but not to the point of jeopardizing your own mental health. Overall, your emotional state is the most important. Take it slowly. Dip your toes in. Block tags that might trigger you. Specifically research the topics that are important to you and avoid all else at first. As soon as it triggers you, step away. Assess what happened, why you feel the way you do, and what you can do to change that reaction in the future. Speak about feminism with people who you know will respect you and not have shitty answers to your doubts and fears. View the positive angles the best you can. Talk about the great steps feminists have taken.

Always remember that you need to take care of yourself first.

Anonymous asked: I saw the most horrendous, degrading quote from a well known porn maker about how he wants his films to encourage violence against women because they 'deserve it' and 1. I'm still recovering from the panic attack it triggered and 2. I feel horrible about watching porn now (not that it was his that I watched) but mostly I feel so futile and exhausted from trying to spread feminism and equality when there are people like this.

I have no idea what that quote is, but I’m going to spare myself the rage by not googling it. It’s terrible that there are people like that out there, but their singular opinion doesn’t make the whole business bad. If he uses his influence to make porn that encourages violence towards women, that’s obviously super shitty and his work should absolutely be boycotted, but not all the porn you watched in your life encouraged violence toward women (I hope).

Watching porn doesn’t make you anti-feminist. It’s a controversial subject, porn and the affect on feminism, but personally, I don’t think watching people have sex means you aren’t a feminist. 

It absolutely is exhausting being a feminist and fighting what feels like an unbeatable, immovable force. Rape culture is so prevalent, violence toward women is depicted in movies and music (but that doesn’t mean you’re terrible for listening to other kinds of music or movies), and people still laugh off the idea of feminism. It’s a shitty world, but feminists are fierce fighters, and all we can do is try to take down those shitty people one by one, by doing things like spreading the word of whoever this asshole is, boycotting his work, and trying your hardest to not let some jerk’s words get inside your head.

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Anonymous asked: Okay, I need you right now. I have friends who are a couple, and the girl is one of my closest friends. Since they are together, they're always stuck, and they did have sex. The boy told her a few days ago he would have break up if they didn't. I told my girl friend what I think about their couple, and now, the boy is telling me they'll break up because of me.... I'm lost and I don't want them to break up... May you help me?

Hopefully they will break up because that guy is a raging asshole. She needs to dump him ASAP! Using sex as an ultimatum is so horrible I can’t even handle it. He’s clearly a manipulative tool who is using sex against her and friendship against you. Hopefully he will trip and brain himself and jar his mind back into something resembling a decent human being. If that doesn’t happen, you should probably talk to your friend about how shitty her boyfriend is and remind her that no decent man/woman pressures their SO into sex.

Anonymous asked: I'm the anon with the short hair problem.. & gosh thank you so much for your response! I'm really grateful that you put so much effort into your answer (& for the photos!) ♥ you've given me courage & I've already booked an appointment with my hairdresser for tomorrow. Also you're absolutely gorgeous and short hair looks SO lovely on you!! (hoping I can pull it off that well too) :)

I’m so proud of you for doing exactly what you want to! I bet it will look fabulous on you! And thank you, you’re too kind, because I have days that I hate my hair/face/self, just like I did when I had long hair. Life as a human, amiright? Confidence is the secret, and when you’re feeling less than confident, channel your inner Charlize Theron (but picture her with her badass pixie cut).

Anonymous asked: I want to explore sexuality more because I find it both interesting and natural. I kind of want to start a sex blog but I feel weird about it because I was raised really conservative/sex is bad/etc but I don't agree so I'm confused but still want to express myself.

Express yourself however you choose! Exploring your sexuality is really just one avenue of understanding yourself/figuring out what you want in life, and I think there are a billion motivational quotes/cheesy posters (mine included) urging you to honor yourself and have fun figuring out who you really are. The internet can be as anonymous as you want, so if you want to start a sex blog that no one knows about, go for it. If you grow uncomfortable with it, delete it!

Try not to feel so pressured about exploring your sexuality - it should be fun, safe, and have an eject button that you feel free to push at any time.

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Anonymous asked: I have this extreme fear of rape. I don't know why. I've never been raped or mistreated or anything but it terrifies me and I'm scared of men and I don't understand why I get so triggered when I see rape on TV or tumblr, etc.

I obviously can’t diagnose if you’ve had some past buried trauma, that’s all for a professional, but the world/society we live in can be terrifying for women! This is rape culture! The inherent fear and powerlessness simply because you’re a woman and you’ve been taught that men are wild beasts who will act at will upon your body.

You’re not an object, you’re not public property, you’re not for the taking. Speaking out about it is important - voice your opinion, get involved, join the fight. You can work with survivors or join a Slut Walk, donate time/money to local organizations that work with victims. Rape is a potent and regular thought in many young women’s minds, and that’s really sad, but you can use that to fuel your passion for helping other women.

Anonymous asked: Hey there! thank you for your lovely blog ♥ My problem is small (&shallow) perhaps but here goes: I love short hair & I would love to get a haircut, but I'm afraid to get one bc I've heard a lot of guys make disdainful remarks about girls w short hair. I've always faced a lot of pressure to look "pretty", when I was younger I didnt care &did what I wanted w my looks but lately I've started to succumb to it-I worry that I'm not pretty enough &that no one will ever like me. Please help! I'm 19 btw

Let me ‘splain you a story: I had hair down to my butt when I was little, then grew it super long again a few years ago. I’ve had bob haircuts before and was considering cutting it again. A guy I was seeing told me not to because it wouldn’t be sexy. So naturally, I went to the salon and asked my hairdresser to cut it all off so I could donate it and I never spoke to that guy again. I kept going shorter and shorter progressively gaining strength from the idea that my hair and looks do not define me. I had a pixie cut when I met my current man. Sometimes he does my hair for me in the morning when it’s out of control and I regularly use male hair products. He thinks it’s sexy, but even if he didn’t, it wouldn’t matter because I love it! You need to do what you want with your hair because it was so much more liberating than you’d ever think.

It actually went like this:

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And it’s even shorter now, like Rosemary’s Baby short, and I love it so much. If you want to do it, do it! If you get nervous, look to JLaw, Emma Watson, Charlize Theron, Ellen Degeneres, Halle Berry, Jennifer Hudson and a million more for inspiration!

Anonymous asked: How can I make myself feel prettier?

Pretty is an abstract thing and varies for everyone…because..you know…

But you can do these things to love yourself:

  • write down 3 things you love about yourself every day that aren’t physical (because that doesn’t make you pretty)
  • treat your body and soul well by doing things like taking walks in the fresh air, eating your favorite foods, sleeping well, watching your favorite shows and reading your favorite books
  • wear the clothes you like - not clothes for the body you hope to have someday or clothes you think pretty girls wear, just whatever floats your boat
  • do good deeds
  • smile at people
  • compliment people on nonphysical aspects of their being
  • remember that your own soul and mind are 1 zillions times more important than this body that will age and fade and crumble away
  • don’t be so hard on yourself

Anonymous asked: I tend to pretend that I like myself. That I'm comfortable in my own skin. But honestly I'm not. And when people I care about make comments about me being lazy and a fat ass it kills me inside. Because I know. I wish I was size 2 with pretty long hair. But I'm not. Maybe I would like myself. Advice?

If you don’t love yourself at the size you are now, you never will. Self love has to be unconditional or it will waver with every pound gained/lost, pimple gained, scar created, and that’s not real love. If you loved a guy/girl but only when they looked exactly as they do right now, that would not be true love, and the same goes for yourself! Be proud of the amazing stuff your body can do, like carry you places and make babies, and punch bad thoughts in the face. Even if it couldn’t do any of those things, you still love it because it’s your body. You still love your house even if the paint is a little shabby and your body is the house you grew up in. If you want to eat healthier or workout, do it, but don’t believe losing weight will make you happy. Gaining weight isn’t depressing you, the fear of gaining weight is. Be good to yourself, mind and body and soul. Dye your hair the color you really want it, take long baths, dance crazy, just be good to you.

Anonymous asked: Hi Liz. I had discovered your blog in the summer of 2011. I was getting out of an abusive relationship and was struggling with depression. For a lot of that time, reading your thoughtful answers and encouraging words got me through each day. It's been years since, and in that time I've grown to love myself and I've fallen into quite a happy life. I stumbled back here and saw that it seems you've hit a rough patch lately. I just wanted to tell you thank you. I love you, and it will get better. <3

Wow, this is so sweet and kind and I absolutely love you, whoever you are. I think a rough patch is the perfect phrase, which led to a really long blahhhh phase, but this is exactly what makes me happy here and you totally just swayed me to get back in here and get going again.

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